December 5, 2008
John P

Christmas Lights

The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks. They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.

December 5, 2008
Tim

The Lord Helps…

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, 'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said, 'Sure.' He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.'

The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,

'Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!'

December 5, 2008
Maureen

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD

Caller  "Hello, is this the Police Office?"

Police Officer  ''Yes. What can I do for you?" 

Caller "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Jack Murphy...He's hidin'  Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.." 

Police Officer "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day,twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house .

They Search the shed where the firewood is kept .  Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana .  They sneer at Jack and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house . 

"Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!" 

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

December 5, 2008
BJ

Wow! Not Me!

October 31, 2008
Guy

SATAN'S MEETING

(Read even if you're busy)

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons.

In his opening address he said,

"We can't keep Christians from going to church."

"We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing The truth."

 "We can't even keep them from forming an intimate Relationship with their saviour."

 "Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken."

 "So let them go to their churches; let them have their Covered dish dinners, BUT steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ.." 

"This is what I want you to do," said the devil: 

"Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!" 

"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted. 

"Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered. 

"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow." 

"Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles." 

"Keep them from spending time with their children." 

"As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!" 

"Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice." 

"Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive." To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their ho and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays no biblical music constantly." 

"This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ." 

"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers." 

"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day." 

"Invade their driving moments with billboards." 

"Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes.." 

"Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives. " 

"Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night." 

"Give them headaches too!"

"If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere."

"That will fragment their families quickly!"

"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas."

"Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death."

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive."

"Have them return from their recreation exhausted."

"Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead."

"Keep them busy, busy, busy!"

"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences. "

"Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus."

"Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause."

"It will work!"

"It will work!"

It was quite a plan!

The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busier and more rushed, going here and there.

Having little time for their God or their families.

Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives.

I guess the question is, has the devil been successful in his schemes?

You be the judge!!!!!

Does "BUSY" mean: B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke?

[resources: Tower of Light and Sent To Earth]

October 17, 2008
Mary Rose Chan

Leelabiblia

Some practical spiritual guidance – click HERE for inspirational PPS.

September 12, 2008

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS

August 15, 2008
Stan e5

See David MacDonald’s great Church pictures by clicking on the following link:

http://www.davidmacd.com/web_pages/church_photos.htm

August 8, 2008
John

Reagan Classics (see http://www.socon.ca/or_bust/?p=1198)

“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.”

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant: It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.”

“Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong.”

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment’s would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

“Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

“If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.”

“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.”

“I’ve laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.”

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”

“No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

August 1 , 2008
Paul deSouza

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA!

August 1, 2008
Paul deSouza

June 27, 2008
Tim

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

May 9, 2008
Jim

April 25, 2008
Tim

An "Up in smoke"story

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very expensive, rare cigars, and then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month of having smoked them all, before he made his first premium payment, he filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and fined $24,000.

This story is meant only to make you smile. It IS NOT TRUE, and has been circulating for over 10 years

April 25, 2008
Paul Cuddihy

Hair and a Car

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut; and we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all "walked" everywhere they went?'

April 25, 2008
Tim

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

01. The bandage was wound around the wound.

02. The farm was used to produce produce.

03. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

04. We must polish the Polish furniture.

05. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

06. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

07. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

08. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

09. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is neither egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fling, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?

One index, two indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people and not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn’t BUICK rhyme with QUICK?

April 18, 2008
Margaret Lachowicz

PARENT - Job Description 

POSITION
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly..
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst...
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **

April 4, 2008
Danny and Rosa Moran

MONEY TRAVELS

A well-worn five-dollar bill and a similarly distressed fifty-dollar bill arrived at the mint to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The fifty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the fifty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Fallsview Casino and Canada's Wonderland, the finest restaurants in Montreal, Broadway performances at The Pantages and NAC, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "

"Wow!" said the five-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the fifty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The five dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to St. Patrick's Church,

St. Mary's Church, and Holy Rosary Church."

The fifty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

April 4, 2008
Richard and Mary MacDonald

RETURNING HOME Saturday Confession

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:

"Will you just be lookin' at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"